This just in from my friend and fellow revolutionary, Mr. Crankypants.........President Obama is all over Europe bowing to queens and kings apologizing for how we've been arrogant and dismissive toward them all (by the way, nice shot of your butt, there Mr. Prez. Way to show 'em what a real American butt looks like!)
Isn't it wonderful that we have a president who finally realizes how awful Americans have been all these years to the sophisticated elites of the rest of the world. As though a mere upstart nation, stolen from the Native Americans and populated with riffraff kicked out of every civilized country in the world should have the audacity to consider itself worthy to stand upright in the presence of nations who have been around since Pharaoh marched the Jews out into the desert and put them to work building pyramids.
Those nut balls on talk radio are mad as old wet hens over that too (a further argument for the Fairness Doctrine and neutering of conservatives).
But I say he didn't nearly apologize enough. We've got a lot more 'pologizin' to do! To wit:
1. Apologize to England for that whole revolutionary war thing and offer to send them the money we still owe them for that tea tax. We should also offer to join the Commonwealth again. We could put a little British Union Jack in the flag to replace all those stars (I always thought they was too gaudy anyway - kinda like rhinestones on pajamas!
2. We should apologize to France for invading their country in 1944 and messing up Normandy Beach. We realize now that American ideas about freedom and justice aren't everybody's and we should have left them alone. They had a nice working partnership with Germany going and we had no right to mess it up.
3. We should apologize to Germany for making a mess of their country. They have a right to self-government and it's none of our business anyway if they want to take over all the neighboring countries around them. We should have put economic pressure on them. Bombing and invading was way too extreme a response.
4. We should apologize to Japan for the atomic bombs and for not throwing a million men onto their beaches so that their citizens might die for the emperor with honor. Also we apologize for our inordinately harsh response to Pearl Harbor. If only we'd kept selling them iron and steel then surely they would have felt much more secure with a stronger military built of good solid American pig iron and then they wouldn't have needed to sink all our battleships.
5. We should apologize to Russia for interfering with their plans to dominate the world. They were, after all, being driven by their Marxist ideology and not by any desire to destroy the United States directly. We should have applied economic pressure rather than point all those nuclear missiles at them and force them to bankrupt their economy trying to build more nukes than we had. We should have understood the consequences of challenging the competitive Russian nature and leading them to financial folly in trying to keep up with us.
6. We should apologize to all third world countries for sending food to their starving people. We should have just sent money to their governments instead and trusted them to do the right thing. We're sorry we didn't trust you to actually feed your people instead of buying shiploads of AK-47's from Russia. Even if you'd done that, we should have allowed you to make your own mistakes as that's really the only way you can learn from them.
7. We should apologize to the entire Middle East for supporting Israel. If we'd just kept our nose out of it, all the Jews would be at the bottom of the Mediterranean and there would be sweet peace in all the Middle East.
8. Finally, the President should come home and apologize to the American people for all the past presidents who failed to understand how much Americans want to turn everything over to their government so they can be taken care of from cradle to grave - no more worry about where you should live, what you should eat, what you should do for a living or where you should worship (especially since religion is an opiate for the masses).
Then, the President and the Congress should get straight to work passing all the necessary laws that will make our country and our people just like the rest of the world. For only then, can we change the words on the Statue of Liberty to "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, so long as they vote Democrat, for we will not make them feel inferior because we're just as bad off as they are!"
NOW THAT'S AN AMERICA MICHELLE AND I CAN BE PROUD OF!
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